Routines and Rituals for Wellness

Some lessons we need to learn repeatedly, or perhaps iteratively. When I follow my routines, my life just seems to flow better. I have discovered that having an altar is an important part of that for me. Reflecting now, I didn’t really account for that in our move (to San Antonio). Living in Denver I always had my own space and within it an altar. My altars have changed over the years. What spoke to me at one point in my life may not speak to me later. Refreshing my space and establishing an altar to my grief reminded me of just how important a place of reflection and prayer is for me.

During my grief journey I attended a retreat nearby. It was held at the Oblate School of Theology. The space and group of women I met was like a lifeline. I felt so broken that first night. Here I was surrounded by a group of people also struggling with loss that had upended their lives in ways unexpected. Sobs and outright crying were the norm. Nothing was expected to be held back nor brought forward. We each were encouraged on our own path. We shared the space and bore witness to the pain we individually and collectively held. That process, along with its rituals, opened me up and helped me to feel more at peace in my grief. I am so grateful to the friend that sent me the link and suggested I consider attending.

Relationships are tested as much as ever during grief. My siblings and I are all grieving differently. We have the same loss, but our experiences are different. Our individual relationships with Mom were different. It is a solitary path that can be walked together though. Time and courage are needed, as well as grace and forgiveness. I learned that when you are grieving a parent you mourn the past. That makes a lot of sense to me now. When you lose both of your parents your family structure undergoes a transformation. My siblings and I are now the elders within our immediate family. Ready or not. Thankfully we have had wonderful teachers to help prepare us. My parents were absolutely amazing, however flawed they were individually and collectively. They did their best. Full stop. Whatever happens from here is up to each of us. Our paths are unique.

I feel as if I am beginning to find my way. My thinking is less sporadic, and the physical pain is receding. I still experience the ebbs and flows. Vulnerability is less scary for me. I don’t have the energy to pretend that I am ok on those days when I am not. And so, I don’t. That is a relief. Thankfully, through routines and rituals, I am finding ways to be with my grief and to reflect on my relationship with my Mom. Gratitude is calming the fear.

It is not clear to those of us experiencing grief what we need or how we’ll possibly get through it. For those impacted by our journey I can imagine it must be rough. I suggest that you find routines and rituals that help center you and foster your self-care. Understanding that it is going to take time is also helpful. We don’t mean to withhold or purposely go inward. We are just trying to readjust to a life that is now forever changed with the absence of those we dared to love so deeply.